


THE PICKLE FIC

by knightsten



Category: Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: M/M, one of those fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-08 23:25:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12875289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightsten/pseuds/knightsten
Summary: pickles are dan’s favorite fuck ;)





	THE PICKLE FIC

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry in advance

the day started like any other day. dan woke up alone and cold in his dark room that protected him from an even darker world. dan pulled the blankets closer to his chest in an attempt to gain some warmth, but it did not work.

dan decided he would have to get up anyways, so he might as well do it now. he slowly and sadly pushed the thick but not thick enough blankets off of him and still laid in bed.

he didn't know why he had to get up. all he was going to do was stay in bed all day and browse the depths of a disturbing yet interesting site called tumblr.

and then he remembered that he might freeze to death if he just stared at the ceiling and didn't do anything to cover his bare body.

dan sat up and now instead of watching the ceiling, he was watching the wooden floor. carefully, he placed his feet on the ground and watched more goosebumps rise on his skin. the thin hairs stood up straight like soldiers.

he took his black jumper that he basically ripped off last night and slipped it back over his head. it didn't do much, but at least now dan could leave his room without making phil feel awkward.

and pants. he had to put on pants too. dan slept in the nude because it was more comfortable. he could always make himself warmer with more blankets, but if he wore clothes while sleeping, he'd drench them in gross sweat.

dan cherished his clothes like they were the only source of happiness in his life. dan seemed to form better relationships with objects than people. that's why he hadn't had a partner in the past 7 years. he just liked objects like he should like people. yes, he liked people occasionally, but he focused on inanimate objects.

he didn't count things like chairs and hats as partners, just love interests. nothing really serious, just a fling or something. he hadn't had anything with an object for over two months and it was driving him mad, but he knew he'd eventually find something.

dan unsteadily made his way to the closet. he pulled open the doors and remembered that his pants were on the other side of the room.

he groaned but went over to opposite end anyways. he pulled on the grey sweatpants that he had wore every day this week. and last week. and probably the week before then. he lost track of time.

dan stumbled out of his room, not caring that his lower half smelled like onions. phil would have to deal with it.

phil usually slept until around 11:00 am, and right then it was only 8:30. to dan's surprise, phil was sitting on the couch, sipping a mug of coffee and scrolling through twitter on his laptop.

"you're up early." dan stated as he walked past phil. phil didn't move his head, only his blue eyes behind his glasses.

"yeah, i couldn't sleep any more." phil lied. he was up this early because he heard dan moaning in his sleep.

innocent phil was sort of traumatized by this the first time it happened. it was a little after midnight, dan had just gone to bed. their rooms were across the hall from each other but the walls were basically thin pieces of paper. anyways, phil was soundly asleep, when he heard grunting from another room. he sat up wondering what it was. phil walked into the hallway and put his ear against dan's bedroom door. he grunting came again, louder this time. "uhh..." phil heard dan sleep-moan. phil's eyes widened and his stomach flipped but he stayed in place.

phil liked dan, as in he had a crush on him. he didn't know why, he just did. dan obviously didn't like phil like that, but phil was ok with that because he knew there would be so many problems if they were in a relationship.

"ohh, frank..." at this point, phil thought dan was having a wet dream about a frank (frank iero, frank sinatra, phil didn't know). phil quietly turned the knob and walked in on dan. dan was still in bed, but his mouth was hanging open. the groaning came again and with the dim light coming from the streetlights, phil saw dan humping something. phil used his phone's flashlight and shined it on dan to investigate. the blankets were off of dan, yet he was sweating. dan was humping... a water bottle. dan was trying to fuck a water bottle he had named frank in his sleep.

that was enough for phil. he shut his phone light off and quietly went back to his room. he couldn't sleep that night with the images from a few moments ago still fresh in his mind.

last night phil didn't care about whatever strange object dan was fantasizing about because he had gotten used to it. most of the times, phil heard dan moan "frank" or "pete". one time he heard dan scream, "YES SHOVE THAT CRUSTY MELON UP MY ASS DADDY YES!" phil never looked at melons the same and that wasn't even the worst phil had heard. you don't want to know the worst.

dan opened the fridge. there was a loaf of bread, three bananas, and a half eaten cup of yogurt. "phil?" he called out.

"yeah?" phil quietly responded.

"when was the last time we went to the store?" dan said back, closing the fridge door and walking back into the lounge. this time phil looked up, but still not at dan. he looked to the ceiling, trying to remember.

"uhh, the beginning of july?" phil said, not entirely sure. the longest they had gone without going shopping was almost four months. they had survived mostly on toast and red bull.

"yeah, okay, that's what i thought. where are the keys?" dan asked, starting to look under pillows because they rarely drove their car. phil closed his laptop and stood up.

dan stopped looking around and looked solely at phil. "what are you doing?" dan questioned. he had planned on going alone because phil would always stay in the cereal aisle the entire time and wasn't much help anyways.

"coming with you. it'd be nice to get outside after being cooped up in here for two weeks." phil simply said in response.

wow. two weeks. that's a short time to spend at home for dan and phil. when they said they never left the house, they literally never left the house unless they had to meet a friend or go buy something.

dan sighed, rolled his eyes, and shook his head all at the same time. "okay..." dan said, returning to the quest to find the key. "will you actually help me this time? i swear to god, you're like a five year old in public."

"yes! i promise to help you this time!" phil pouted. he was almost begging dan to take him with him, it was strange.

dan found the keys peeking out from the lounge rug. he picked them up and tossed them in the air, catching them moments later before they could plummet to the floor.

moments later, both were sitting in the leather interior of the car. it was summer, so when they first opened the car doors, it was like a wave of heat smacked them both in the face. the leather was sticky and scolding hot but they had to deal with it.

dan drove them both to the nearest open store. it wasn't crowded inside, which was good because it meant that dan and phil would do minimal socializing.

"okay, what do we need?" phil asked dan. dan shrugged his shoulders.

"just grab a basket and walk through the aisles, get whatever sounds appealing and get a lot of it." dan replied, picking up two baskets from the entrance and shoved one into phil's chest.

phil peppily walked off with the basket and started in the aisle closest to the entrance. dan walked all the way to other end of the store and started over there.

the first aisle was bread, hot dog buns, cake mixes, etc. dan grabbed two loaves thinking that that would keep them satisfied for another month. he also put a cake mix in the basket because he wanted to try out baking. he added a few more items and transitioned to the next aisle.

eventually he got to the milk and eggs section. frozen meals and ice cream were sitting on shelves in freezers with glass doors.

dan got two jugs of milk, mostly because of phil's cereal addiction. he got a carton of eggs, a lot of frozen dinners, and decided to skip ice cream this time.

on the shelves in the aisle that phil had started in, it was mostly jars of stuff. jars of peanut butter, jelly, beans, sauces, stuff like that. dan walked down the aisle just to get it out of the way. they never got anything from this aisle.

something caught dan's eye before he left the aisle and went to the check out. he looked up and down he aisle to make sure that nobody else was there. he was alone.

he made his way over to the jar that seemed to be calling dan's name. it was a jar of pickles.

dan absolutely despised pickles, but this was different. he had to buy this specific jar of pickles. he stared closer at it. he felt almost a connection with it, like he did with his other objects.

dan smiled. this was his new love interest. he reached out and stroked it. it sent a bolt of adrenaline down his spine, just how he liked it.

"dan!" someone called and dan snapped out of his trance. phil strided over to dan and touched his shoulder. "are you ready to go? or are you going to continue having a staring contest with that jar?"

dan sighed and roughly grabbed the jar of pickles. they swirled around in the juice. dan made a mental note to apologize to them later at home.

they went to the check out and the worker's name tag said 'pete'. pete scanned all the items (most were from phil, who grabbed six of everything he wanted) and the total was insanely high. it didn't really matter though, dan and phil were practically loaded.

they easily paid for the groceries but had to get pete to help them carry them to their car. they couldn't fit everything in the backseat.

eventually they agreed that pete would bring over the rest of things after work in his own car. phil have pete their address and pete picked up the bags he couldn't fit in the car.

one of the bags had dan's precious jar of pickles in them, and once dan realized this, he had a full on meltdown.

pete and phil both looked at each other and back at dan, wondering what the hell dan was doing.

"dan, calm down! what's wrong?" phil exclaimed, shaking dan's shoulders. dan just continued to sob and sob and sob.

"we can't help you if we don't know what's wrong! did you hurt yourself or something?" pete said, trying to help but wasn't doing any better of a job than phil was.

"p-pickle..." dan was able to mutter out. pete and phil exchanged confused looks.

"pickle?" phil questioned, wondering what dan could've meant. did he forget the pickle jar inside? did he forget where it was? neither of those were reasons to have a meltdown, though.

"you're taking the pickles away from me!" dan choked out.

"dan, they're just pickles. you can live until the end of pete's shift." phil said to dan, getting annoyed. usually phil was the one who acted like a child, and sometimes dan did too, but it was never like this. this was crossing the line.

"b-but-" dan started.

"no, dan! let's go, come on." phil said trying to push dan into the car. dan opened the back door and sat down vertical of the driver's seat.

phil wasn't too good at driving, but he had to drive now. even if dan did agree to drive, he wouldn't be able to with his eyes clouded by tears. he sat in the driver's seat and put the keys in.

phil turned around to see what dan was doing. dan was laying across both seats and quietly crying. phil sighed and turned back to face forward.

he drove home and once he had parked the car, he got out and opened dan's car door. dan was still laying down but not crying anymore.

"come on dan, you have to go inside." phil said.

"no. i'm staying here until pete brings the pickles over." dan protested and didn't move.

"i will carry you if i have to." phil crossed his arms.

"phil, you're weak. you can't carry me." dan said. phil wasn't offended, it was true.

"well, if you don't get up and come inside, i'll... i'll smash the pickle jar when pete brings it over." phil said and he meant it.

that got dan to get up and help phil take the bags inside. there were a lot of bags, and by time they were done, both of the men were exhausted. they flopped down on the sofa and closed their eyes.

phil was starting to relax when he heard dan start to cry again. he opened his eyes and dan was curled in a ball in the corner of the sofa. "dan, it's a jar of pickles. you'll be ok." phil reached out and touched dan's shoulder. dan shook phil's hand off and buried his face in his hands.

"it's not just a jar of pickles, it's a special jar with a special pickle in it." dan said. phil only rolled his eyes. dan was a confusing person.

"you need help, dan. i'm calling one of our friends to help you. he specializes in this... thing." phil said, cringing at his own words. he was going to call his friend frank gioia because frank was good at helping people with these things. he's read a lot of things, and was the closest to an expert that phil knew.

phil walked into his room and locked the door. it probably was useless to lock the door as dan knew where the key was, but dan was still crying on the couch. phil dialed the number and frank picked up after three rings.

"senpai?" frank asked in a delicate voice.

"frank, i need your help. dan is... acting strange again. please come over." phil asked quietly to make sure that dan didn't hear.

"what is he doing?" frank questioned.

"he's becoming attached to a jar of pickles." phil stated.

"oh no, i thought he wasn't attracted to objects anymore." frank said and phil could hear him sigh through the speaker.

"i thought so too, but i thought wrong. he won't stop crying, please come over and help." phil said.

"okay, i'll be over in ten minutes," frank said. "in the meantime, just try to keep him from crying, distract him."

"wait with wh-" frank cut phil off by hanging up. phil sighed and dropped the phone on the bed. he walked back out into the living room.

dan was now laying across the entire sofa and staring at the ceiling. "dan, if you're going to do that, at least go to your room so i can watch tv."

dan stayed silent. he didn't even blink.

"daaaaan." phil said and stomped his foot. what was up with dan lately? this pickle jar had so much control over dan, it was scary.

"ugh, fine. frank's going to be here around 10:30." phil said.

dan sat up but continued to keep his head straight. "what time is it?" he asked, but it sounded more like a statement than a question.

phil replied with "it's 10:20," and sat down where dan had made room. "frank told me to keep you distracted."

"when did pete say his shift was over?" dan asked, again in a monotone voice.

"oh for fuck's sake dan! it's a fucking pickle!" phil exclaimed. that made dan turn around, wide eyed almost in terror at phil's language.

"don't look at me like that! you're giving more attention to that stupid pickle than you are to me and i'm fucking sick of it! i'm sick of your dumb fetish or whatever it is, it makes no sense!" phil yelled and flailed his hands to help drive his point.

"phil, the pickle loves me. that's why i want to give it so much attention." dan quietly said.

"i love you too, but you don't care about me!" phil shouted.

acknowledging phil's words, somehow dan's eyes grew even wider. "you... love me?"

phil realized he had said too much and tried to cover it up. "not like that, i meant i love you as a friend."

dan fully turned around so he was sitting forward like phil. he looked phil in the eyes and said, "phil, i know you like me like that."

"no, no, i don't!" phil exclaimed, shaking his head back and forth as dan leaned in closer to phil's face.

dan looked down at phil's lips and back into his eyes a few times and phil did the same. dan put his hand under phil's chin and brushed his thumb over phil's lips.

"well, you're about to." and with that, dan closed the gap between the two and pressed his mouth against phil's.

if phil could use anything to describe the kiss, it would be new year's eve. fireworks, happiness, bright lights and adrenaline pumping through your veins.

phil raised his hand to place it on dan's cheek and-

knock knock knock

"phil? i'm here!" frank shouted through the door. dan pulled away from phil and looked him straight in the eyes again.

"tell him to go away, i just want to be with you now." dan said in a hushed voice.

"i would, dan, but you need help with this pickle thing." phil said.

"can't we just have a moment?" dan asked as he watched phil stand up and walk to the front door.

"we already did, i'm sorry we had to end it so soon." phil said and unlocked the door. he pulled it open and the smurf standing on the other end said "i'm here, is dan still crying?"

phil only nodded and frank stepped in. frank walked to the couch that dan was staring at him from.

dan's eyes followed frank to one of the chairs in the same room. frank sat down and ran his fingers through his hair, causing it to stick up in different places.

"okay dan, phil called me over here to help you. will you let me do that?" frank asked carefully, knowing what would happen if dan got mad.

"i don't need help." dan stated. phil rolled his eyes and shook his head. frank saw phil do this and shot him a look that got him to stop.

"dan, if you don't need help, then there's no harm in me helping you anyways." frank said.

"sure, fine, whatever. just try and help me, it won't do anything." dan replied.

"okay," frank said. "just give me a second." he got up and walked over to phil. frank grabbed phil's arm and dragged him to the next room over.

"you said pickles, right?" frank asked phil quietly. phil nodded quickly and frank placed his hand on his forehead.

"fuck, this is going to be harder than i thought it would be. i've never read a story with a pickle before." frank worried. he had read stories about milk, lungs, and even cherries. but never one with a pickle in it. there was probably one out there but he hadn't seen it and that was bad. how was he going to help dan?

"okay, i'll try my best. where are the pickles?" frank questioned.

"they're still at the store, one of the workers is bringing it over at around 1:00." phil responded.

"i think to help dan, we have to let him live out whatever he's dreaming of doing to the pickle." frank said.

phil wasn't sure it was going to work, but they would have to try. "i'll drive us to the store so we can pick up the pickles."

they walked back out into the lounge where dan was nowhere to be seen. phil called out for dan but got no response.

"maybe he's in his room?" frank wondered and frank and phil both walked to the hallway where the bedrooms were. phil knocked on the door and heard a grunt from inside the room.

"dan? me and frank are going out somewhere and we'll be back soon." phil yelled through the door. dan grunted again and phil sighed. he turned back to frank. "i really hope this works."

frank shrugged. phil grabbed the keys and they left.

\---

around 30 minutes later, frank and phil returned home with the jar of pickles. surprisingly, pete was understanding of the situation. he had seen dan break down in the parking lot, after all.

frank and phil had decided that after phil gave dan the pickle jar, frank would leave. phil would call him again if he still needed help after that.

phil knocked on dan's door. "dan? we have the pickles."

he heard a thump and a heavy patter of feet coming towards the door.

the door slowly creaked open and phil saw half of dan's face peeking out. the visible eye looked down at the pickle jar in phil's hands and widened in excitement.

dan swung the door open more. he wasn't wearing a shirt or pants, just a pair of boxers. he stretched out his arm and grabbed for the pickle jar.

phil pulled it back and put it above his head. "hold on, let me talk to you first."

dan whined and rolled his eyes. "fine, what is it?"

"frank and i decided to give you the pickles as long as you don't develop an emotional bond with it, like you did with the banana that one time." phil said.

"okay, i promise. now give me the pickles." dan stepped towards phil and tried reaching for the pickles. dan was taller than phil, but phil still managed to keep them away from dan.

"okay." phil hesitantly said and handed dan the jar. dan greedily grabbed it and slammed the door shut. phil stood outside the door for a few seconds, wondering what dan was going to do to the pickles. actually, he didn't want to think about it at all.

he walked into the lounge where frank was sitting on the couch, scrolling through twitter on his phone. as soon as phil came into view, frank looked up and shut his phone off.

"how did it go?" frank asked.

"he agreed to what we talked about in the car, but i doubt he'll remember it tomorrow." phil said and shrugged.

"good i guess. i'll leave now, if you need anything else, just call me," frank said and stood up. he adjusted his jacket and put his phone in his pocket. "bye phil." he walked out the door.

right after the door clicked shut, phil ran back up to dan's room. he knocked three times. phil heard silence, then a groan, and then the shuffling of clothes.

dan swung the door open, wearing more than last time. he had a black jumper on, but still no pants, only his boxers.

"what do you want! why can't you just leave me alone for five minutes?!" dan screamed. phil pushed his way into dan's room and past dan.

"phil, what are you-" dan started but stopped when phil turned around. he looked dan dead in the eye.

dan was still slightly confused, all he wanted was to spend some time with the pickles, but phil had barged in for some unknown reason.

they just stared at each other for a while until phil looked around dan's room. the lights were off so the only light was coming in through the windows that were covered by heavy curtains. it was still pretty dark, but they could still see.

phil saw dan's unmade bed, with the pickles propped up on the pillow next to dan's pillow. there were clothes scattered on the floor.

"why did you come in here just to have a staring contest with me?" dan asked phil with the same harsh tone he had welcomed him with.

"that's not all i wanted to have with you." phil said, calmly, turning back around to face dan once again.

dan tilted his head. he wasn't a very clueless person, phil was just confusing.

it all happened in an instant. phil pressed dan against the wall next to his door. almost as hard as he pressed dan to the wall, he pressed his lips against dan's.

it shocked dan, but he soon melted into the situation. he kissed back and even used his tongue. phil used his tongue against dan's, and things were getting steamy.

phil ran his hands up dan's back and slipped them under his jumper. dan shivered at how cold phil's hands were, but he liked it.

eventually phil pulled away but kept his hands under dan's jumper. phil saw that dan still had his eyes closed, probably waiting for phil to warm his lips again.

when he realized that phil wasn't going to kiss him again, he opened his eyes and frowned. "why did you do that?"

"do what?" there were a lot of things phil did to dan, and a lot more he wanted to do to him.

"pin me against the wall and kiss me?" dan asked.

"you asked if we could have a moment earlier, and now frank's gone so here's your moment." phil said with a sly grin.

dan smiled in the corner of his mouth and phil kissed him again. harder, this time though.

phil ran his hands all the way up dan's back and grabbed his shirt. he pulled away and leaned into his ear. "can i take it off? are you comfortable going to third base with me?"

dan's breathing hitched and he nodded. "yes." and with that, phil pulled off dan's sweater and threw it into the pile with the rest of dan's dirty clothes.

phil moved to dan's chin, kissing and slightly sucking. he kissed down dan's neck and before he could reach dan's collarbones, dan pulled phil's head up.

dan placed his lips back on phil's, giving him softer kisses, not as sloppy as phil's were.

phil pulled his own shirt off and dropped it. they went back to kissing and phil moved back down to dan's bare chest again. he was determined to leave a mark so dan would know that he was phil's, not that stupid pickle's.

he opened his mouth in an 'O' shape and kissed dan's collarbone. he started sucking gently and heard dan quietly moan from above.

phil knew he was doing something right, so he sucked harder on dan's skin. he pulled away after a while and was satisfied with the dark red mark he left.

phil went up to dan's jawline and kissed it gently. dan turned his head up but then squirmed under phil.

"what's wrong, you don't like it?" phil asked.

dan shook his head. "i do like it, but..." dan looked down at the floor, fearing what phil's response to dan's next statement would be.

"what is it, dan? you can tell me anything." phil said is a hushed and sexual voice that made dan quiver.

"i...can...." dan clenched his fists.

"come on, tell me dan." phil said and grabbed dan's arms.

"can you fuck me with the pickle?" dan whispered.

phil was in shock. the... pickle?

"dan, i think that would sting." phil said, using the first excuse that came to his mind.

"i don't care, i want the pickle and you inside of me." dan said, looking at dan through squinted eyes.

"at the same time?!" phil was extremely confused.

"no, just... forget i said anything." dan said and leaned forward to kiss phil again.

phil moved out of the way. "no, it's okay, i'll make something up as i go." he said and saw dan's eyes light up.

"are you sure it won't be too much trouble?" dan asked.

"yes, i'm sure, it'll be fine."

"okay." dan breathed out and walked over to the bed. he fell back onto it and phil walked over too.

phil moved the pickle jar to the nightstand and layed down where it was.

he looked to the side at dan. dan was laying on his back, looking at the what phil first thought was him but then realized it was the pickles behind him.

"ok dan, take off your clothes." phil ordered and dan obeyed. when dan pulled off his grey sweatpants + boxers and revealed his already hard member, phil almost forgot how to breathe. he had been waiting to see this for so long, and it was finally happening.

phil did the same and shed his jeans and underwear. both men were butt naked on dan's bed, aching for each other.

phil sat up and picked the jar off the nightstand. dan propped himself onto his elbows to watch phil work. phil screwed the top off and swung it around to dan.

"which one do you want?" phil asked in a rather caring manner. dan searched for the special pickle and once he found it, he pulled it up and shook off the juices.

"here it is." he handed the bumpy pickle to phil.

phil examined the large pickle. he compared it to his own "pickle" and debated which to put inside of dan first.

dan was getting antsy. he couldn't wait to feel the long pickle inside of his rear, the juices blissfully stinging his insides and how much it would hurt but feel oh so good at the same time.

phil eventually spoke to dan after deciding that he was bigger and could insert himself into dan first to stretch him out. "dan, lay on your stomach."

dan flipped over and readied himself for the pain. "what's happening first?"

"i'm going inside of you first, and then i'll try the pickle." phil replied.

dan's member was uncomfortable against his slightly stiff mattress, but he knew this was nothing compared to what was coming.

phil put the pickle next to the jar and pulled open dan's nightstand drawer. he found a tube of vanilla lube, with only a little bit left. wow dan. wow.

he squirted how much he thought he needed (which turned out to be the rest of the tube) onto his hands, which he then rubbed onto his member.

he kneeled over dan and lined himself up. "if it gets to be too much, just tell me, okay?" phil said to dan.

dan clenched his eyes shut and nodded. he pulled a pillow closer to him and squeezed it with his hands. he rested his chin on the edge of the black pillow.

phil took a deep breath in, and then pushed in. dan immediately moaned loudly and phil fought back a moan as well.

phil was overwhelming with pleasure. dan was so tight and it felt so good. dan was also overwhelmed by phil, but he wasn't complaining.

phil thrusted his hips a few times and each time, he got closer to hitting dan's spot. dan was biting back moans and failing terribly. squeaks escaped his tightly closed lips.

phil threw his head back and let his mouth drop open as he continued to pleasure dan. he noticed dan was whimpering and said, "it's okay baby, let it all out."

dan let out an extremely loud moan and dragged it out. phil pumped in again and again, and every time, dan's stomach filled with a strange sensation.

"phil, phil, oh god," dan moaned. he didn't want phil to stop, but he wanted the pickle too. "phil, stop, what about the pickle?" he managed to get out.

"i'm, ah, i'm so close dan, let me finish, please, ah, you're so good," phil said and grunted. dan fought the urge to come and let phil finish.

it was hard to stay stable while phil was really getting it on above dan. phil's moans and groans filled dan's bedroom.

"dan, can i come?" phil asked, on the verge of exploding.

dan nodded, ready for phil.

phil roughly pushed in and out a few more times before letting out a loud groan and tightening his toes and releasing. dan felt phil come inside of him and it filled him with pleasure.

before dan got a chance to do anything, phil thankfully pulled all the way out.

phil flopped next to dan. he was panting and a bead of sweat was forming at his eyebrow.

"you ready for the pickle?" phil asked, still breathless after being immensely pleasured.

dan just nodded, already on the edge. he took a few deep breaths and wasn't about ready to explode anymore. hard, but not almost done.

phil took the pickle off of dan's nightstand and leaned over dan in the same posistion he was in before.

he judged the size of the pickle again and wondered if it would be as smooth as phil or if it would need a little extra help.

phil managed to scrape the rest of the lube out of the tube and slather it onto the pickle.

once again, he lined it up with dan's now red entrance. "you ready?"

dan's heartbeat picked back up in excitement. he had been waiting for the pickle to be inside of him for a while now.

"yes." he simply said.

phil pushed the pickle in and dan tensed up. it was smaller than phil was, but the bumps rubbed against dan and pleasured him faster than phil did.

dan let out a small moan. phil instantly became hard again at the sight of dan. he didn't let dan notice, though. dan would think that phil wanted to fuck him again, which he did, but dan wanted the pickle.

phil continued to push the pickle in and out, and dan continued to groan in pleasure.

phil was painfully turned on, so he had to do something about it. not considering how close he was already and how close he was to the pickle, he began to pleasure himself.

he rubbed his fist up and down his length while somehow still being able to fuck dan with a pickle.

"i- i'm close, oh god, faster, please, oh god," dan whined.

phil thrusted the pickle faster and dan started to shake. "hold on, pull out, oh, please."

phil was confused but pulled the pickle out of dan anyways. he stopped stroking himself as well even though he was ready.

dan flipped onto his back and spread his legs. "this is more comfortable. continue, please." dan said and threw his head back as phil pushed the pickle back in. he had to lean down a little to push the pickle in now that he was farther away from phil.

phil continued to pump himself and felt himself getting closer and closer.

dan moaned loudly and whimpered, "oh god, phil, i'm gonna come, i'm gonna-"

he flexed his toes and released all over himself. it was so much, and his chest was covered in the sticky white mess.

phil moaned and released uncontrollably as he pulled out the pickle. he came all over the pickle accidentally.

they both stayed where they were, trying to relax after what happened.

but it didn't end there.

dan saw the come covered pickle and smirked. "phil, let me see the pickle."

still a little dazed, phil didn't really make out what dan had said to him. "huh?" he responded.

dan rolled his eyes and sat up. "give me the pickle." he repeated.

phil looked down at the pickle and back up and dan. "it's all... ruined now. are you just going to throw it away?" he asked.

dan shook his head and plucked the dripping pickle from phil's palm. phil watched in confusion as dan examined the pickle in his hand.

phil wasn't sure what he was expecting, but he certainly was not expecting dan to do what he did next.

dan pulled the pickle closer to his mouth. he opened his dainty lips and crunched down on the pickle. after he closed his lips and pulled back, some of the white substance was left on dan's mouth and made a string from the bite to the pickle.

phil wasn't sure what to feel. he was mildly disturbed, but the way dan was eating the pickle was... beautiful.

dan licked his lips and swallowed the crushed up pickle. he placed his lips against the pickle again. not biting it, just there.

"dan, what are you doing?" phil asked. dan shushed him and focused his attention back on the pickle. he ran his tongue up the side, scraping off phil's residue from the bumpy skin.

phil was starting to feel a little sick. he wasn't a vanilla person (kink wise, not lube wise), but this was different. this was just gross.

"dan, stop, that's gross." phil said and got off the bed. he found both his underwear and his pants. he slipped his underwear on and worked on getting his pants on.

the entire time, he was watching dan eat the now white pickle. it was gross, but entertaining. dan took another bite, but still had a while to go.

dan glanced up and down at the pickle. he pushed it into his mouth and made an "o" shape with his lips around the pickle. he sucked on it and pushed it farther back so he was deepthroating phil's covered pickle.

phil turned away from dan and finished getting his jeans back on. they felt oddly uncomfortable against his legs, so he just took them off again.

dan was still giving a blowjob to an invisible pickle man when phil turned to dan.

"dan, should i just... leave?" phil asked. dan didn't pay any attention to phil. he only focused on his dear pickle which he had named evan in his head.

phil knew what he had to do. he marched over to dan and waved his hand in front on him. dan kept sucking the pickle generously. phil stormed out of the room and went into the kitchen.

he searched the drawers for the thing he was looking for. it would stop dan from loving the pickle more than he loved phil.

phil found it. the giant knife that could slit someone's throat.

dan's throat.

phil picked it up and held it up. it reflected the light and shined into the wall.

phil marched back into dan's room where he was no longer alone.

frank, the frank that tried to help dan earlier, was naked as well and sucking off dan while dan sucked the pickle.

phil got insanely jealous. "frank, stop!" he yelled and charged for him. frank didn't look up. he just kept sucking.

phil forgot that he was clumsy. with the knife in front of him, he tripped and landed on the knife.

the knife sliced through his throat and he died after some blood sputtered out and formed a puddle around him. phil's lifeless body lay on the ground, almost completely naked. his extremely pale skin turned ever paler, if that was even possible.

dan and frank noticed and stopped sucking whatever they were sucking.

"mission completed. phil is out of the way." frank said. him and dan started making out.

it was only a plan to get phil away from dan so dankthatfrank could be real.

**Author's Note:**

> this had 6666 words lmao and i wrote it in august  
> i’m really sorry  
> i got bored near the end as you can tell  
> kudos to you if you actually read this


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